Emotions Are Running the Show

“Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – this is not easy.”  Aristotle

The ability to manage our emotions effectively may be more significant at this time in history than ever before. We live in a society with an uninhibited drive to accumulate greater and greater excess on a march towards global domination. The resulting growing divide between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’, - the “us and them” attitudes that permeate our world -, are creating tensions both at home and worldwide that are ending daily in thousands of examples of emotional hijacking and emotionally charged actions; innocent people being killed on a minute by minute basis, many of them children - and I’m not just talking about those in war zones or those that are starving to death – acts of violence perpetrated by desperate human beings, consequences of people made to feel increasingly stressed, unsafe, overwhelmed and threatened. Sadly however, our leaders, politicians and decision makers are not recognizing the significance of emotions, either for themselves, others, or as an integral part of the consequences of their decisions and policies. Emotions, the study of emotions and emotional intelligence (EI) are still referred to as ‘psychobabble’, and even stress is upheld as an indication of a strong work ethic, something to be bizarrely proud of almost as ‘a badge of honor’, even more than fifty years after the first law-suit sighting stress as a health hazard. As a counselor, coach and trainer in the field of stress management and EI, this never ceases to amaze me! Nevertheless, there are those who choose to try to understand what the consideration of emotions and emotional intelligence might mean and what benefits there may be for us all in trying to improve our own level of stress management and emotional intelligence; those who understand that it is not just a fad or a concept for people in therapy or self-help workshops, but something that is a critical for everyone - a key to self-awareness, the appropriate and considerate expression of beliefs and feelings, mindfulness, self-management, compassion and cooperation. Of course, there is also the significance now validated by countless scientific studies, of the role emotions play in health – but that’s another article altogether!

Believe it or not, emotions drive our behavior and the way we interact with each other and perform in our lives. Behind every word, action or deed are beliefs, perceptions, reasoning and thoughts, - thoughts that are only as powerful as the emotions that carry them.  Who hasn’t felt a sudden rush of anger, so strong it becomes un-controllable and we find ourselves saying or doing something that we later deeply regret. Or experienced a sudden wave of sadness for no apparent reason, giving rise to a train of thoughts that in turn fills us with self-pity and often lingering depression. Or just a niggling feeling of anxiety and worry in the back of our minds, when no amount of encouraging remarks from loved ones such as ‘Don’t worry!’ can change our perception that worrying is just what we are meant to be doing.

A client of mine, Mike, took his children to an amusement park one weekend. His youngest, four-year-old Kate didn’t remember her previous visit as a baby, so for her it was a completely new experience. The two older boys remembered very well and wanted to go on all kinds of different rides. Kate however, just wanted to go on the rollercoaster, so Mike said he’d go with her. Little did he know the longest line in the whole park was for the rollercoaster! Mike absolutely detested standing in line, but he liked to keep his word so they stood in line for a little while. Soon he started to get impatient and began looking around for something else they could do instead. Then he tried to persuade Kate that the rollercoaster really was no big deal, but Kate was adamant and they waited some more. Finally Mike started trying to tempt her with other rides and things he knew she liked.  Eventually, he became so irritated he offered her a bribe, something that went totally against his value system and the way he wanted to parent; “If we go on another ride instead,’ he cajoled, “I’ll give you an extra ice-cream!” He was feeling pretty disgusted with himself, but somehow just couldn’t seem to help himself. To add insult to injury, Kate was not having any of it. She turned her little face up to her father and said ‘Dad, I have waited my whole life to go on a rollercoaster, I’m not going to give it up now!’ 
Mike looked down at his spunky little four-year-old with her tiny hands on her hips, looking up at him as if this was an issue of national importance! At first he just stared at her, incredulously. Then he felt the urge to laugh, and then suddenly a surge of love for his little girl welled up in him. His feelings instantaneously shifted from annoyance and almost anger to love and laughter. When recapping the story to me, he concluded; “And you know what? After that we could have waited in that line all day and I wouldn’t have cared!”

Emotions drive our perceptions and what we think because they are stronger and more powerful than our cognitive ability for reasoning. More often than not, we aren’t even consciously aware of the emotions in our body that are driving our thinking. When we become aware of our emotions, we label them and they become feelings, giving us the consciousness to begin the process of emotional self-regulation – if we so desire! For example, when I become aware that my emotions are unsettling and that I am in fact feeling anxious, I become further aware that this anxiety if causing me to fuss over my child and snap at my husband. Only then can I begin the process of managing my feelings so that they no longer have such a stressful impact; I can remove myself for a few minutes, do some breathing exercises and take charge of my internal emotional state, changing it to one that gives me some clarity of thought, whereupon I can plan and write down a few steps I may take to address whatever is causing the anxiety, or at least gain some insight into how I can better handle myself. I can then go back into my family situation with a renewed sensitivity and even mindfulness of their needs as well as my own.

Consciousness allows us to take charge of our emotional state, enhancing our ability to become sensitive to our own needs, the needs of others and the needs of the collective whole in any given situation. The power of such consciousness is in the intention of using it to manage the impact we have on one another; to maintain a lasting awareness of the absolute power of emotions – that they underlie everything - and to take responsibility for that personal power, each of us individually. As Aldous Huxley famously said; “There is only one corner of the universe that you can be certain of improving; and that is your own self.”

by
Jennifer Day